bfp

Change in the past, change in the future, and change when I change.
Too much change. Too many transitions.

Living in the moment is easy when the moment here,
Living for the future sucks when the future is fear.

Support and love, expired seasons
Drink the kool-aid, eat your reasons

Need to find the next land mine
and then decide...

disarm? or fall upon it.

The other day someone said something to me. It was said casually, as if it were obvious, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't even know how much I was being negatively controlled by a few of my issues until a single phrase allowed me to start shucking off the chains of servitude cast upon my wrists by the evil master (myself). They still don't know that what they said created such a deeply positive experience for me, nor that I have the sorts of issues that I do, but they facilitated a bit of a breakthrough for me. Ever since then I haven't hardly been able to keep my mind off of how far reaching the impact of this event could be... it has altered the weave of the fabric of the rest of my life, and the pattern is much more attractive.

It's kind of cliche, but things became over-used for a reason... always watch for the little things that you can do or say. If you feel something that is kind or caring, share it - even if it's a small thing in your mind, it may just change the world for someone else.

Been really busy lately, between working at the University, the new addition of doing graphic/web design as well as software development for clients of my new business, trying to get in shape, research projects, and all of the other time demands I'm actually neglecting as much as possible... busier than I've been in a long long time... since college.

On that note, I don't know that I've told you fine people here that I decided to dump biology and chemistry (unfortunately not until I finished my "fancy" [read: expensive/ private school] degree).  I love doing research, but I just finally came to a point where I couldn't stand sitting in the lab anymore. Biology snuffed out the flame of creativity that had finally been let free... and I've been struggling to reclaim that loss.

After my wife graduates with her Ph.D. I will begin applying to graduate school counseling psychology programs so I can become a Psychologist.  I want to continue my research and due to my involvement in some psychology research, I have found myself (academically speaking). I have careers worth of research interests and project ideas, and psych research is just incredibly gratifying compared to biology research, at least for me.

In September I opened my own company, Adaptive Reality (or Adaptive Reality Technology & Design Services).  Through AR I provide consultation on just about anything "tech" from networking to software/hardware issues to education... and everything in between. I also offer graphic design services for web and print (and have found that I really enjoy design a lot, and right now am really enjoying working on some corporate identity/logo projects). I also offer database management/creation/restructuring/consultation/etc, and software development (both web and PC applications).  I have actually had a pretty decent start, considering I basically broke even by Christmas... I have high hopes for the business in the future, and am SO grateful for the extra money to pay all of our too many bills.

Miraculously, being so busy my that I can't hardly function has released something within me.  My design has improved dramatically, as has my writing, and I feel the pulse of creativity throughout my day... in all that I do.  I have started to notice connections between parts of my life I never knew were related, and have begun piecing together an outlook on life that I've never before experienced... For the first time in a long time... I don't feel like I have to hate myself even when I have no reason to... I have begun to see a spark of value in who I am and what I can accomplish...

Listening to the album "wearing someone else's clothes" by Jason Robert Brown... you must hear it!

Reading "Confessor" by Terry Goodkind. This is the final book in the Sword of Truth series, I just started, so I still have about 580 pages left, but already I can't wait to see what happens, if Richard can save Kahlan from nothingness!

More soon

I can't believe I haven't updated this since last september... My last entry was in response to the death of John M. Ford, who was a wonderful author and a great man. He had essentially "adopted" another great author as a brother, and that was James Oliver Rigney, Jr. (AKA Robert Jordan who wrote the massively popular Wheel of Time series, which is left unfinished).   

I remember the great feeling of loss upon John Ford's passing, and am left feeling... numb... now, as the death of James Rigney almost exactly a year later has left me feeling even greater sorrow.  And even that isn't even enough to quantify... this is like the sun to a candle-flame.  It is said that "grief is the price we pay for the privilege of loving and caring for someone," and I am again reminded of the truth of this.  

James Rigney touched the lives of so many, and I am surprised to find how much of my own development and growth over the last years has been his doing.  My own perspectives, touched ever so gently by his words, my creative breadth expanded by necessity so as not to seem pitiful next to Jim's own.

Jim, your legacy is as deep and broad as your writing, and as you were.  Never have I known of someone as completely comfortable as you... who by their very existence, fanned so many sparks into wildly passionate flames.  I owe more to you than even I will ever know... and I hope you know how much your life, your work, and even your struggle these last years, have inspired hope and courage and love in so many hundreds of thousands of people.

I haven't the words to say what should be said,
but I offer to you, and for Harriet these meager lines,
with the great knowledge that had you read them,
you would have smiled and thanked me no matter
that they lack a skillful or talented craftsman.

Your light will shine ever
brightly in the night sky,
never fading with the
passing of time,
your words will revive us,
your life will inspire us
and your memory will
dry our tears...

Peace, Jim...
and may the last embrace of the Mother welcome you home.

I just came across this poem by John M. Ford who passed away the other night.  He wrote it when confronted with the long slow death of a friend's wife.

John M. Ford - October 13, 2003, 05:41 PM:
comments on Brown's post: de vermis

The worm drives helically through the wood
And does not know the dust left in the bore
Once made the table integral and good;
And suddenly the crystal hits the floor.
Electrons find their paths in subtle ways,
A massless eddy in a trail of smoke;
The names of lovers, light of other days --
Perhaps you will not miss them. That's the joke.
The universe winds down. That's how it's made.
But memory is everything to lose;
Although some of the colors have to fade,
Do not believe you'll get the chance to choose.
Regret, by definition, comes too late;
Say what you mean. Bear witness. Iterate.

have a great day all of you!